Mean Girls

I hate pretty girls so much.  They make me so crazy.  I know it's just immature jealousy.  But I look at myself in the mirror and all I hear is, "Not good enough,"  "Trashy slut,"  "Who would want to date you?"  I know that my worth should never come from guys.  But I realize that there is a positive correlation between how many guys I talk to and how I feel about myself.  I had this burst of happiness a few years ago, and I find myself missing it.  It doesn't help that my sister is beautiful, my mom is critical and all my friends get hit on all the time.  It's not fair!
My boyfriend cares, he does.  But there are things he does when I know he's just trying to make me feel better. 
This is my problem, my problem inside, and I need to overcome it.

It's just not easy.

Sure, I can get an A++ on an exam and clean 15 cat cages in 45 minutes.

But that won't take me to the Kingdom.

Forgiveness..

It has not been a good vacation.  At all.  It's been stressful and annoying.  The weather has been gorgeous though.  Between the constant bitching and fighting, I quite frankly, have forgotten what I'm thankful for.  Really.  My family hates each other.  So I am thankful that half of them are flying back.  I don't really have anything to look forward to for school, except exams, so I'm thankful that break is soon.  I'm thankful that I have a home and a good Christmas coming. I'm thankful that I don't work Sunday.
On another note- I AM NOT A WHORE.  People got this idea in their heads that I was some slut after this guy tried to force me to have sex and full around with him.  It was my fault because I made myself available to him.  So now it's a common thought that I am a dirty skank.  Which is just wonderfully untrue.  In fact, I have only sucked three cocks in my life.  I have had sex with ONE person and I have only been eaten out twice, and even then it was like for less than ten seconds each time.  I don't enjoy it.  I am clean and on birth control.  I have been faithful to my "partner" every time, and for the past year and a half I have had one boyfriend.  We full around maybe once a month.  I feel bad for him, but like a retard, I chose to live at home.
So now I need to find a new college.  A place to live.  And most likely a new job.
I am swiftly sinking into despair.

Don't worry now...

Waiting in the air port for the second flight of my life.  I am really excited.  I like being here.  It's interesting.  I want to learn these people's stories, their interests, their thoughts.  Mom and dad are talking on the phone.  Chelsea and I are screaming at each other.  Dad just hung up on mom.  That's about right.  A fun family vacation!!  Awesome.  It's full of hatred and yelling.  Wonderful.  I was so excited for this trip.  Such a party.  I could list the insults hurled at me in the last 24 hours.  But I won't. I don't want to harbor them.  My heart is in the air.  I need to know right now that someone in my family loves me.  Someone.  Anyone?
All my big projects are over except for one.  I would say they went fairly well.  The Spanish speech today was amusing.  Honestly, I'm very tired.  I wish to sleep. Espero que dormir.  We've been here since 4:30.  We still have twenty minutes left until we can board.  Everyone, wish me luck!

Just breathe...

I'm frustrated and bored.
I'm ready for something incredible.  I need something extraordinary.
Thanksgiving in Florida will be fun.  Maybe.
I hate hypocrisy.  And I will get a heavy dose of it on the way home.
No one will admit it, but we hate each other when we're together.
Mom is a different person.
Dad acts like an idiot.
She has no regard for their feelings.
It's awful.  She doesn't get that we are awful together.
It's clear, we don't get along as a family.
Why can't that be accepted?
It doesn't help to try to force it and then get mad.  Idiotic.
I am taking a bath and drinking a wine cooler tonight.  I have four huge projects due right before I leave.  I am beyond angry right now.  It's asinine.  I am sick of people constantly requiring things of me.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!
I manage to not be helpless.
I miss having friends.  I miss my school.  I wish my cat was healthier.
But I have so much to be thankful for.  My life is full and rich.

When I see your smile...

Last day with the kindergateners.  Darling ones.  They wrote me good bye notes.
I have this new addiction to online shopping.  It's a problem.  I spend so much time on Ebay, and I feel so guilty.
I dropped my education program.  I feel glad.  I love how I am so supported by my teachers, but it's still hollow.  I miss my high school teachers so much.  I'm hungry for chapel.

Mom nags, Dad yells.  It's all it ever is anymore.
"I think I'm just going to fly home instead of drive back with you guys." 
He said it in such a calculated manner.  Like there was nothing wrong with it.  He'd rather fly back before Thanksgiving, be here alone for the holidays, then drive back with us. 
I see both sides.  But I can't seem to find the dad that I knew.

That took me to Key West.
That took me driving.
That took me camping.
That pushed the tree off of me.
That hugged me when I found out my ACT score.

Not sure where he went.

If it's not too late for coffee, I'll be at your place at ten...

Sometimes I wonder if my dad wishes he lived alone.  I think he would get really lonely, but I think he would enjoy not being nagged at.  But really, some of it he brings on himself.  I understand the, "Don't put anymore on my plate right now," sentiment, but communication is key.  Today he said, "Good, she doesn't work today."  I haven't worked on Wednesdays since last school year.  His memory is going.  It's heartbreaking.

In other news, I took my Spanish proficiency and I think I failed.  I have come to be daydreaming all the time about Honduras.  Dreams of exotic animals...beautiful beaches...fluency in Spanish...floating markets...my heart is in Honduras.  I want a cloud forest.

It's upsetting how a ghetto black man without an intelligent sentence can get more respect in college than a well thought out argument of a Republican Christian.  But we took back the House, so SUCK IT.  I miss my high school.

What would you do if your son was at home...

I find it ironic that we can support gay suicides and not Haitian slave children.  Strange.  I feel awful that the four gay kids would commit suicide.  But at least they have parents.  At least they live in America.  At least they go to school!
When I was bullied, my mom let me know that she care.  She got involved in my life; she got involved in the school. 
These kids don't have parents.  At all.  I find kids who commit suicide pathetic and unthankful.  I think you reach that point by consistently focusing on the negative, pushing yourself into depression.  Perhaps some kids don't have any positive in their lives.  But compared to slave children, I think you could find quite a few things.
So we can focus our energy on purple and social justice in the most general manner...but do very little about life and death matters?  Ridiculous.
My heart has been moved time and time again.  I will be adopting.  From a third world country.  My children will be loved and cared for.  They will know life.  And I will be a part of the change for what really matters.
I'm done fooling around.
How can I heal the hurt?

A bullet for my valentine...

This is a speech for tomorrow.  Enjoy.

You’re alone in your house at night.  You wake up to a load banging.  Did you lock the door?  No matter.  Picking a lock is simple. Do you really think that deadbolt is going to protect you?  It is after all, DEAD.  And you will be too, if you don’t do something.  You know what’s not dead?  The live fire of a 9 milimeter. 

I believe gun control is unconstitutional and ignorant.

So the police will come and save you.  Do you really think that at 3 am when your loved one is being held at gun point that you are going to be able to call the police?  And even if you do, how long do you think it will take them to get there?  It takes less than 1/1000 th of that time for a bullet to go into your chest.

And do you think that police actually are required to come to your rescue?  According to Lynch v. North Carolina Department of Justice, "Law enforcement agencies and personnel have no duty to protect individuals from the criminal acts of others; instead their duty is to preserve the peace and arrest law breakers for the protection of the general public."   There are so many horror stories that this precedent goes along with.  Almost every state holds “sovereign immunity” for their officers.  That means if you call the police and they don’t come, and by law they are not required to, you are S O L.

Even if you do believe in the police, what’s standing between you and a telephone?  A man with a gun?  I’d rather be packing. 

Maybe I’m being naïve.  Maybe not everyone is comfortable owning a gun.  I went to my first gun show on my eleventh birthday.  It was great.  There was so much going on, so much to see and learn.  I still go to gun shows with my dad.  And after every single one I think, “These people aren’t criminals, why are they being punished?”  It’s stupid!  The people who own guns legally are fine, upstanding citizens.  Being a registered gun owner is not a piece of cake.  There are background checks and you must show ID.  In many states there is a waiting period in which the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms checks you out too.  Owning class three weapons is even more intense, you have to have a lot of money and patience to be licensed for automatic weapons.

Right now the government is trying to shut down the “private sale” loophole.  Private selling means that you can privately sell your guns and are not required to fill out the paperwork for them.  Therefore, the gun you are selling is still registered to the last person who bought it through a business.  Obviously, people think this is dangerous because no background check is required and a gun could easily fall into the wrong hands.  This is true. But that is not the government’s decision to make.

During the Revolution there were no registered guns. The British wanted us to get rid of our guns, because without weapons, we were no threat to them.  They could control us without any risk of uprising.  This logic leads to my personal belief that if you support gun control, then you need to get out of America.  The second amendment, which limits gun ownership to sane, responsible citizens mind you, is one of the most important freedoms this country fought for.  It’s second on the list.  Only below free speech.  You can’t pick and choose.  If you want to trash talk our current, or past president or share you views on religion then you better support all the other amendments too.

So maybe you’re afraid of guns, maybe you think that if we take away guns from all, we take them away from the dangerous few.  Really, it’s the other way around.  How many people do you know that partake of illegal drugs?  How hard are they to find?  Guns are the exact same way.  Even if the “private sale” loophole was eliminated, guns would still be in the hands of the criminals.  Hell, I bought fake Chanel earrings.  It’s illegal to sell those, but you can find them.  Just like everything else illegal, if you want it bad enough, you can get it.

Except in this case, it really is a matter of life and death.  Where our liberal, utopian government is going right now is complete socialism.  What people don’t seem to realize though is, if we take guns away from our sane and responsible citizens, then no one will be able to protect themselves against the armed criminals.  There is a magazine named “America’s First Freedom.”  In every issue there are several news stories about how armed citizens have saved lives and property by safely using their weapons.  If you’ll notice in these stories, they are not shooting to kill, just to protect.  Guns do not have to be violent weapons.

Guns don’t have to be dangerous.  They can be used for recreation just like they can be used for crime.  You can’t make the gun the criminal.  My pen isn’t a bad speller, I am.  So maybe we should take away all writing utensils so there are no more misspelled words.  Would that solve the problem of ignorance?  Nope.

You may not feel strongly about this issue, but remember that it’s easier to keep a freedom than to fight to get one back.

If you do feel strongly and don’t know how to stand up for your gun ownership rights, it’s easy.   Know who you’re voting for.  Many candidates for office take a clear stand on the issue of gun control.  Research before you vote.  If gun control is being favored in your district, write your congressman or representative.  They are here to stand up for your views, but they can’t do anything unless they know how you feel.  But first and foremost, work for gun safety education.  If you tell a child not to touch something, what’s he going to do?  Touch it.  An easy answer to decreasing gun related violence is to teach gun safety.  It lessens the number of accidents and fear.

Keep these things in mind the next time you are ready to vote for our public officers.

Woke up early this morning...

to my phone vibrating.  It does this weird thing sometimes where it vibrates just short and fast.  I was having a dream about something mildly unpleasant, I don't remember what now though.  Anyway, it was him, as it should have been.  Up surprisingly early, he's on his way now.  I felt so irritated.  In a year and a half I have gotten flowers from him once.  Nothing for last Sweetest Day or Valentine's Day.  And it's fine, I won't hold it against him.  But I made it so clear that I wanted some today.  Just something simple, $10.  I didn't think it'd be a problem.  It is, of course.  He said he couldn't afford them.  I can't really either, but I got him a gift card.  I guess this is just one of those times I don't really love him.  We tried breaking up last week.  It didn't go well- at all.  I despise it when guys go into hysterics.  Such a huge turn off.  But I did too because, well, here it goes- he's my first. 
Ugh.  I said it!  I'm an awful, awful person.  I'm sorry!  It was a mistake, it was wrong, I know, I know!  But I can't take it back.  Instead, I'll suffer with the knowledge that I am with ONE guy for the past year and a half.  One.
I used to be so much prettier three years ago.  I was slimmer and more naive.  I was innocent and had no idea what to do if a guy asked me for my number.  It was a fun time.  Older guys are so much sexier.
But at the risk of sounding promiscuous, it wasn't long before all of that was over.  And now I'm here.

You know, I absolutely can not stand when technology tries to force you to do something.  Like downloads.  If I wanted a new version, I'd go get it myself.  But every time I open an application that has a newer version, there's the minute and a half long interaction with the various dialogue boxes, and it pisses me off.  Like right now, it just froze my whole computer to tell me it was finished downloading.  I thought these were supposed to be user friendly.

We watched "Gossip Girl" last night.  I love that show.  I don't know why even, those girls are never things I aspired to be.  I love watching it though.  It's full of intrigue and glamor.  It's wonderful.  It makes me want Christmas.  I just don't understand how those kids are just given money to spend.  Blair paid Vanessa's rent for a year- seemingly without any accountability to her mom.  Strange.


I want to go to Honduras.  Badly.  Although I'm terrified.  Vivire con una familia extrana.  Honestly though, I'm most afraid of the snakes.

It's been a long two years...

Dad got a contract job.  Unfortunately, it's not helping us out at all.  His disease came back, so really it's terrible for him.  And for the rest of us, which is selfish, it's not any better.  They won't talk to me about money or expenses or the amount of revenue we'd need to continue our lifestyle.  But I still worry about it.  I worry about mom most.  She has trouble walking, I feel bad when I don't do things for her.  Dad though, he's always been strong.  It just annoyed me when he'd ask me to do simple things for him. "Laziness," I thought.  I think I was wrong.  Really, it was the disease kicking back in.  Somehow, even in his present condition, it still annoys me though.  Which is awful.  I hate seeing him so weak.  He pushed a tree off me when it was breaking my neck.  The dad I know is Superman.  No way his 6' 4", 350lb body isn't capable of everything.  This winter we'll have lots of fires.  "You'll have to help him move the wood, Hannah," mom said.  Yeah, like that's my responsibility.  After this week, I offered to do it all.  I don't want dad even out there trying to do it.  He'll get angry, and tell us to shut up.  But really, he just needs to stay in his chair and relax.
Still have lots of homework left...but I've been hitting it pretty hard.
New TV show tonight.  Whoo hoo!
Spanish speech on Coco Chanel?
I've got it!

Every once in a while...

...I like to write.  Mom says I have a gift for it.  Ha.  Tell that to my AP English teacher.  I don't think she did her job.  But it doesn't matter what who likes, this is for me.  I try not to be selfish.  However, after the privacy of my first three journals was stolen from me, maybe I'll try again- anonymously.

Quite frankly, I don't want you to know me.  Like Gossip Girl.  I'll never tell.