Friday, January 21, 2011
I love your love the most.
Another week gone horribly terrible. Constant nightmares, bratty children, and a bitchy sister later I feel like I want to be dead. I think of how sad other people's lives our and I feel guilty. I have three four classes to make up. I have a boyfriend that I don't think is the one. My best friend is getting married and totally excluding. And a family that excludes me. I'm feeling dragged around, beaten, and washed up against a rock. How do I pick myself up from here?
Monday, January 10, 2011
Speak but a whisper..
I have decided not to talk for a while. I despise everything about my life right now. Mother is an insufferable bitch. It's very frustrating. I wish to just not communicate with anyone in this house for a while. She makes my life miserable. He has not one intelligent word to say. I'm done.
Friday, January 7, 2011
I'm leavin', never comin' back again...
Fight last night. Again. She lives on lies and hypocrisy.
And I'm always wrong.
And Chelsea is always perfect.
I had an escape today, but it fell through unfortunately. I did discover though, I lost 9 pounds. I am almost ten pounds lighter than I was two weeks ago. I feel good about that. It's been three days on Herbalife. My pride wants me to say that I was eating healthily, just too much sugar. I am Adventist after all. However, I had gotten out of hand. This is a nice way to control my excessive eating. And, aside from how gritty the shakes are, it's delicious. This morning I had a peach mango smoothie. Best shake yet!
I am trying to work on three things at once though.
1. Getting to a size 14.
2. Not biting my nails
3. My compulsive shopping.
Wish me luck!!
On another note, I miss my sister. She's not Chelsea anymore. I knew living together again would be a stretch, but she's just constantly a bitch. And of course, I'm the one who's fault it is. Last night, Rochelle took a picture of us. "Pretend you like each other," she said. Cindy interjected, "Well they do, they're good sisters."
Correction, we were good sisters. We hardly talk now. And I feel like I'm constantly on thin ice with her. It's like a second Mom in the house, except it's a mom that can't make me do stuff and that hates me. It's very discouraging.
I found a very nice apartment today. I figured it all out- if my parents would just give me access to the money they have saved for my college, I could move out and never come back. I'd need roughly $48,000 to complete my education and live out of the house. I'd have to work of course, but I have no problem with that. I realize that's a huge amount of money, but that's for three years of room, food, and tuition. And gas. Honestly, that is the equivalent of one and a half years at ONU. Which I could have chosen. But they won't see it that way. Although everything in my life has been done to please them, I am still ungrateful, a failure, and a bitch.
This is a poisonous and painful atmosphere.
I start college again Monday. I'm happy about it. It'll get me out of the house. It makes me sick that I want to leave because I hate my parents so much. And don't even play that, "Your dad is innocent," card. BULL SHIT!!
Two night ago he stormed into the house after work. "Hannah! Where are my hat and gloves that were in the car?"
"I have no idea, Dad."
"Well, they were in there, and now they're gone!! What did you do with them?!?"
Let me just throw this in there:
1. We have a box of hats and gloves in the closet. If I wanted some, all I have to do is open a door.
2. I never wear a hat.
3. I have gorgeous, feminine North Face gloves. Why would I want a pair of torn up, huge, leather work gloves?
"Dad, I haven't driven the car for a long time."
"Yes, but you still used it. Did you leave it unlocked somewhere?"
(Because someone would steal a $2 hat and $10 gloves instead of 50 CDs or sunglasses.)
"The last time I was in the car, I didn't see them."
"Of course!" (Like I'm lying, secretly hid them just to make him mad.)
Two minutes later he walked in and set the hat and gloves on the buffet. They had been in the closet.
"Where'd you find them, Shawn?" Mom asks.
"They were in the closet. I didn't put them there!!!"
No apology. No acknowledgment that he was wrong. Nothing. What kind of church has that as their elder?
A long time church friend called this week. "Have you decided on a college?"
Seriously? Seriously.
And I'm always wrong.
And Chelsea is always perfect.
I had an escape today, but it fell through unfortunately. I did discover though, I lost 9 pounds. I am almost ten pounds lighter than I was two weeks ago. I feel good about that. It's been three days on Herbalife. My pride wants me to say that I was eating healthily, just too much sugar. I am Adventist after all. However, I had gotten out of hand. This is a nice way to control my excessive eating. And, aside from how gritty the shakes are, it's delicious. This morning I had a peach mango smoothie. Best shake yet!
I am trying to work on three things at once though.
1. Getting to a size 14.
2. Not biting my nails
3. My compulsive shopping.
Wish me luck!!
On another note, I miss my sister. She's not Chelsea anymore. I knew living together again would be a stretch, but she's just constantly a bitch. And of course, I'm the one who's fault it is. Last night, Rochelle took a picture of us. "Pretend you like each other," she said. Cindy interjected, "Well they do, they're good sisters."
Correction, we were good sisters. We hardly talk now. And I feel like I'm constantly on thin ice with her. It's like a second Mom in the house, except it's a mom that can't make me do stuff and that hates me. It's very discouraging.
I found a very nice apartment today. I figured it all out- if my parents would just give me access to the money they have saved for my college, I could move out and never come back. I'd need roughly $48,000 to complete my education and live out of the house. I'd have to work of course, but I have no problem with that. I realize that's a huge amount of money, but that's for three years of room, food, and tuition. And gas. Honestly, that is the equivalent of one and a half years at ONU. Which I could have chosen. But they won't see it that way. Although everything in my life has been done to please them, I am still ungrateful, a failure, and a bitch.
This is a poisonous and painful atmosphere.
I start college again Monday. I'm happy about it. It'll get me out of the house. It makes me sick that I want to leave because I hate my parents so much. And don't even play that, "Your dad is innocent," card. BULL SHIT!!
Two night ago he stormed into the house after work. "Hannah! Where are my hat and gloves that were in the car?"
"I have no idea, Dad."
"Well, they were in there, and now they're gone!! What did you do with them?!?"
Let me just throw this in there:
1. We have a box of hats and gloves in the closet. If I wanted some, all I have to do is open a door.
2. I never wear a hat.
3. I have gorgeous, feminine North Face gloves. Why would I want a pair of torn up, huge, leather work gloves?
"Dad, I haven't driven the car for a long time."
"Yes, but you still used it. Did you leave it unlocked somewhere?"
(Because someone would steal a $2 hat and $10 gloves instead of 50 CDs or sunglasses.)
"The last time I was in the car, I didn't see them."
"Of course!" (Like I'm lying, secretly hid them just to make him mad.)
Two minutes later he walked in and set the hat and gloves on the buffet. They had been in the closet.
"Where'd you find them, Shawn?" Mom asks.
"They were in the closet. I didn't put them there!!!"
No apology. No acknowledgment that he was wrong. Nothing. What kind of church has that as their elder?
A long time church friend called this week. "Have you decided on a college?"
Seriously? Seriously.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
With your eyes closed...
I feel heartbroken. Rather I feel like my heart is poisoned. No guy has ever hurt me as bad as my parents do, and believe me, that's saying something. I'd rather go back to that time when I was 15 and a guy who trying to take advantage of me than deal with this toxic waste that comes out of the mouth of my parents. She just asked what I was doing. I said I was blogging. "Can I read it?" she asks. It's sweet. But this is the only place I can bitch. I got yelled at today for going in my own room where my boyfriend was sleeping to go get ready for church. It was like I told her I was becoming a stripper. Omg. I do the exact same thing every weekend. Go in my room, door open, do my make up. It's not like we're having sex. So that was this morning- a big huge fight. Happy New Year. Now we're all sitting in the family room watching football. Chelsea's PMSing. Shocker. "Christian, give Chels the bed tonight."
"She got it last night."
"Well, Chelsea, I'm just going to say this. I don't care what goes on in that room, I just don't want to know about it. Just don't have sex in this house."
I feel betrayed. And I feel like my spiritual life is starving. I have no real direction.
Diet starts Tuesday.
Bring. It. On.
"She got it last night."
"Well, Chelsea, I'm just going to say this. I don't care what goes on in that room, I just don't want to know about it. Just don't have sex in this house."
I feel betrayed. And I feel like my spiritual life is starving. I have no real direction.
Diet starts Tuesday.
Bring. It. On.
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