Fight last night. Again. She lives on lies and hypocrisy.
And I'm always wrong.
And Chelsea is always perfect.
I had an escape today, but it fell through unfortunately. I did discover though, I lost 9 pounds. I am almost ten pounds lighter than I was two weeks ago. I feel good about that. It's been three days on Herbalife. My pride wants me to say that I was eating healthily, just too much sugar. I am Adventist after all. However, I had gotten out of hand. This is a nice way to control my excessive eating. And, aside from how gritty the shakes are, it's delicious. This morning I had a peach mango smoothie. Best shake yet!
I am trying to work on three things at once though.
1. Getting to a size 14.
2. Not biting my nails
3. My compulsive shopping.
Wish me luck!!
On another note, I miss my sister. She's not Chelsea anymore. I knew living together again would be a stretch, but she's just constantly a bitch. And of course, I'm the one who's fault it is. Last night, Rochelle took a picture of us. "Pretend you like each other," she said. Cindy interjected, "Well they do, they're good sisters."
Correction, we were good sisters. We hardly talk now. And I feel like I'm constantly on thin ice with her. It's like a second Mom in the house, except it's a mom that can't make me do stuff and that hates me. It's very discouraging.
I found a very nice apartment today. I figured it all out- if my parents would just give me access to the money they have saved for my college, I could move out and never come back. I'd need roughly $48,000 to complete my education and live out of the house. I'd have to work of course, but I have no problem with that. I realize that's a huge amount of money, but that's for three years of room, food, and tuition. And gas. Honestly, that is the equivalent of one and a half years at ONU. Which I could have chosen. But they won't see it that way. Although everything in my life has been done to please them, I am still ungrateful, a failure, and a bitch.
This is a poisonous and painful atmosphere.
I start college again Monday. I'm happy about it. It'll get me out of the house. It makes me sick that I want to leave because I hate my parents so much. And don't even play that, "Your dad is innocent," card. BULL SHIT!!
Two night ago he stormed into the house after work. "Hannah! Where are my hat and gloves that were in the car?"
"I have no idea, Dad."
"Well, they were in there, and now they're gone!! What did you do with them?!?"
Let me just throw this in there:
1. We have a box of hats and gloves in the closet. If I wanted some, all I have to do is open a door.
2. I never wear a hat.
3. I have gorgeous, feminine North Face gloves. Why would I want a pair of torn up, huge, leather work gloves?
"Dad, I haven't driven the car for a long time."
"Yes, but you still used it. Did you leave it unlocked somewhere?"
(Because someone would steal a $2 hat and $10 gloves instead of 50 CDs or sunglasses.)
"The last time I was in the car, I didn't see them."
"Of course!" (Like I'm lying, secretly hid them just to make him mad.)
Two minutes later he walked in and set the hat and gloves on the buffet. They had been in the closet.
"Where'd you find them, Shawn?" Mom asks.
"They were in the closet. I didn't put them there!!!"
No apology. No acknowledgment that he was wrong. Nothing. What kind of church has that as their elder?
A long time church friend called this week. "Have you decided on a college?"
Seriously? Seriously.
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