Forgiveness..

It has not been a good vacation.  At all.  It's been stressful and annoying.  The weather has been gorgeous though.  Between the constant bitching and fighting, I quite frankly, have forgotten what I'm thankful for.  Really.  My family hates each other.  So I am thankful that half of them are flying back.  I don't really have anything to look forward to for school, except exams, so I'm thankful that break is soon.  I'm thankful that I have a home and a good Christmas coming. I'm thankful that I don't work Sunday.
On another note- I AM NOT A WHORE.  People got this idea in their heads that I was some slut after this guy tried to force me to have sex and full around with him.  It was my fault because I made myself available to him.  So now it's a common thought that I am a dirty skank.  Which is just wonderfully untrue.  In fact, I have only sucked three cocks in my life.  I have had sex with ONE person and I have only been eaten out twice, and even then it was like for less than ten seconds each time.  I don't enjoy it.  I am clean and on birth control.  I have been faithful to my "partner" every time, and for the past year and a half I have had one boyfriend.  We full around maybe once a month.  I feel bad for him, but like a retard, I chose to live at home.
So now I need to find a new college.  A place to live.  And most likely a new job.
I am swiftly sinking into despair.

Don't worry now...

Waiting in the air port for the second flight of my life.  I am really excited.  I like being here.  It's interesting.  I want to learn these people's stories, their interests, their thoughts.  Mom and dad are talking on the phone.  Chelsea and I are screaming at each other.  Dad just hung up on mom.  That's about right.  A fun family vacation!!  Awesome.  It's full of hatred and yelling.  Wonderful.  I was so excited for this trip.  Such a party.  I could list the insults hurled at me in the last 24 hours.  But I won't. I don't want to harbor them.  My heart is in the air.  I need to know right now that someone in my family loves me.  Someone.  Anyone?
All my big projects are over except for one.  I would say they went fairly well.  The Spanish speech today was amusing.  Honestly, I'm very tired.  I wish to sleep. Espero que dormir.  We've been here since 4:30.  We still have twenty minutes left until we can board.  Everyone, wish me luck!

Just breathe...

I'm frustrated and bored.
I'm ready for something incredible.  I need something extraordinary.
Thanksgiving in Florida will be fun.  Maybe.
I hate hypocrisy.  And I will get a heavy dose of it on the way home.
No one will admit it, but we hate each other when we're together.
Mom is a different person.
Dad acts like an idiot.
She has no regard for their feelings.
It's awful.  She doesn't get that we are awful together.
It's clear, we don't get along as a family.
Why can't that be accepted?
It doesn't help to try to force it and then get mad.  Idiotic.
I am taking a bath and drinking a wine cooler tonight.  I have four huge projects due right before I leave.  I am beyond angry right now.  It's asinine.  I am sick of people constantly requiring things of me.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!
I manage to not be helpless.
I miss having friends.  I miss my school.  I wish my cat was healthier.
But I have so much to be thankful for.  My life is full and rich.

When I see your smile...

Last day with the kindergateners.  Darling ones.  They wrote me good bye notes.
I have this new addiction to online shopping.  It's a problem.  I spend so much time on Ebay, and I feel so guilty.
I dropped my education program.  I feel glad.  I love how I am so supported by my teachers, but it's still hollow.  I miss my high school teachers so much.  I'm hungry for chapel.

Mom nags, Dad yells.  It's all it ever is anymore.
"I think I'm just going to fly home instead of drive back with you guys." 
He said it in such a calculated manner.  Like there was nothing wrong with it.  He'd rather fly back before Thanksgiving, be here alone for the holidays, then drive back with us. 
I see both sides.  But I can't seem to find the dad that I knew.

That took me to Key West.
That took me driving.
That took me camping.
That pushed the tree off of me.
That hugged me when I found out my ACT score.

Not sure where he went.

If it's not too late for coffee, I'll be at your place at ten...

Sometimes I wonder if my dad wishes he lived alone.  I think he would get really lonely, but I think he would enjoy not being nagged at.  But really, some of it he brings on himself.  I understand the, "Don't put anymore on my plate right now," sentiment, but communication is key.  Today he said, "Good, she doesn't work today."  I haven't worked on Wednesdays since last school year.  His memory is going.  It's heartbreaking.

In other news, I took my Spanish proficiency and I think I failed.  I have come to be daydreaming all the time about Honduras.  Dreams of exotic animals...beautiful beaches...fluency in Spanish...floating markets...my heart is in Honduras.  I want a cloud forest.

It's upsetting how a ghetto black man without an intelligent sentence can get more respect in college than a well thought out argument of a Republican Christian.  But we took back the House, so SUCK IT.  I miss my high school.